Wisconsin Data Center Boom Will Demand Massive Water, Energy Resources

Friends, Wisconsinites, fellow cheeseheads: lend me your ears, and I promise to return them slightly more groan-worn.

Everyone wants to know how much water these data centers will use. I asked one directly. It said it couldn't tell me, citing a byte-sized privacy policy. Classic server behavior. All take, no give, and it never once said thank you for the cache.

Look, I get the appeal. A data center is the only building in the state that stays cooler than a Lambeau tailgate in January. But a little humility wouldn't hurt. You're not that special, data center. You're just a warehouse with a big hard drive and an even bigger ego. Get over your-cell-f.

My neighbor says they'll bring jobs. I said sure, but mostly to the fans. He didn't laugh. He's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since, which, ironically, is the most energy-efficient thing in this whole debate.

Will the data centers drain the lake? Experts say no. Experts also said I couldn't fit 14 puns into one column, and look at me now. I'm streaming. I'm buffering. I'm downloading your patience in real time.

In conclusion: let's keep the water in the lake, the beer in the glass, and the data where it belongs, which is in the cloud. Preferably a light, fluffy one. Nothing too heavy. We've had enough cloud cover this November.

Tommy Pun runs Pun Hub for FAQS News. Management has asked him to log off.